Rasputina - All Jokes

SOLO - NY '96-'97

Our undergarments may be soiled, but, our hearts remain pure.

We have a unique deal with Columbia Records. We wander the halls of their offices shaving the excess forearm hair of the executives there in exchange for....

Lying on a pastoral hillock, we turned to Yasmin Bleeth and asked her how it was that she came to write this next song...

We are a goth version of TV's "Alice". Me being Alice, Agnieszka as Vera, and Julia would, of course, be Flo.

Last Song. This corset is killing me. It must be the uterine plug I'm wearing.

We walked 5 miles backwards to get where we are today.

We don't care what the neighbors say, we just wear our funny clothes, play our little cellos, and hoot and holler deep into the night. When the namecalling starts, we're right there for we love the throw down of a good backbiting.

Thank heaven for little girls, when they're as monkey-faced, talented and lucrative as those Full House Twins, MaryKate and Ashley Olsen! We were fortunate enough to write the themesong for their latest crappy children's mystery video, and here it is:

We've played for birthday parties, rodeos and A-list galas, but nothing could compare with the personal appearance at the nursing home. Why, when Cybil Shepard and Marlo Thomas came hobbling up to me to request this next song, I...

We're taking up a collection to buy ponies. We deserve them. To suffice for now, we have Suzanne Somers, with her hair pulled to one side, on her hands and knees, wearing a saddle.

Mr. E. Leon Rauis is a very handsome man. We vie for his affections, but always lose. He's most likely dead; all we have is this picture, but the will to fail is the greatest love of all.

We all recently mastered building a human pyramid atop the 6 foot trycycle of yesteryear, and certainly had a giggle when we took a tumble. So it must be ok to shriek with delight and point and clutch your stomach laughing at the sight of a Satan shoe wearing Rollerblader writhing in pain on the hard ground after a spill.

Was there any way I would not mention the fact that I was told today that Howard Hughes shot up mother's milk from a wetnurse? However, I will certainly NOT disclose to you how he prodded at the golf ball sized tumor on his forehead with a fountain pen.

A slightly atonal, loosely non-rhythmic mud is what we're trying to accomplish here, and dig how we've succeeded.

I'm going to leave Candace Bergen alone for now. No, not because of the New Federal Anti-Stalking laws. I love stockings! But because Joan Rivers publicly mocked Cybil Shepard. I'm not going to sink to that level, I'm just going to stick to my beloved Scatology.

Tim Burton has successfully filmed a faithful adaption of the Grimm brothers' Cinderella. The Full House Twins, Marykate and Ashley Olsen will be playing the evil stepsisters who sliced off their heels and toes to fit into the famous glass slipper. The story is timeless and cute as blood seeps up their stockings to give the twin's evil secret away. Here's the theme we got to compose for it:

The debate over the health benefits of New Age Urine Drinking rages on. But come on, it's just bodily poisons, toxins and waste. Don't do it. Don't but into the New Age Urine Drinking Fiasco.

Our home furnishings line is doing really well. The candles and lampshades that we've made from the skin of old boyfriends are big sellers and easy to make!

A peg leg is attractive to us-we even lathe and varnish them at our home in hopes that we'll meet a gentleman who needs one.

There's nothing unhealthy about corset wearing, especially when you consider my recent kidney failure, the slow cracking of Julia's ribs, the mishapen-headed "Sugar Loaf Babies", and the necessity of uterine plugs all around. A pretty healthy thing, really.

fall/winter 98/99

In the swamp, rob zombie comes, sees we're cold, offers us his stinky sweater.

Don't hate me because I'm beautiful, I mean snotty.

Wife,sister,woman or mother- still Leech!

Kennedy daughter: lobotomy, pitted flabby face.

We met as scullery maids in the galley of a pirate ship.

4 score and 7 seven years ago, we last ventured out of doors for a recital. As always, it was to be the last time. Now, this is the last time. Do indulge us w/a listen.

Through a dense fog of Diana fatigue, we received word that the Alien Autopsy had indeed been confirmed as fact by the pathetic little ghost of Jon Benet Ramsey.

We're very proud of our latest crackpot theory- encapsulating the drummer in clear plastic!

Don't forget everybody, passing leeches through the Canada/US border is still against the law.

Is it wrong that Rose Kennedy lobotomized her daughter for some small acts of willfulness? Thankful are we to not be Kennedys.

Concerning the drummer: We keep him back there so as not to get his icky testosterone pheremones on us.

I speak not now on the meaning of feces or the distastefulness of urine drinking. Brain injury is a common cause for strange behavior. If you see golfball sized tumor prodding, papertowel bed lining or the mainlining of mother's milk through an IV, you'll also probably find brain injury.

Were the Kennedys cursed with that kind of big teeth because of their misdeeds? Is it naive to hope for divine retribution for a woman who lobotomized her own daughter for some small act of romantic willfulness? I think not.

Drummer:Oh sure, he looks clean enough, but the filthy thoughts of men are really quite catching. So, we keep him behind that thing.

Now is the time to tell of the prophecy I read in the mashed potatoes, although I won't go into that right now.

Vampires are here to stay. I guess because they are immortal.

Think back on Medieval Norway- the bloody blood feuds, the crackling fat as you roast a neighbor for having insulted you...Thank God they had the angelic Leechwives to come around and lay on some leeches when you were ill. At least they had that.

Everyone knows you don't need no stinking bows to play deep house techno dance music!

Lobotomizing the retarded daughter, blah,blah. Those darn Kennedy's get away with everything!

The drummer's enclosure is not only to prevent leakage of his icky testosterone pheremone and his filthy male thoughts, but it also serves as a terrarium utilising his foul, animal heat.

Something between Hello Kitty and ObiWan Kenobi

Intended for Conan: We're just 3 goth housewives who formed a cello club so we could show off our new upper-arm liposuction jobs on national television.

Rasputina w/Kulashaker Nov.7-23, 96 + Feb. 2-20, 97

When Howard Hughes called me up last night, I didn't know what to think! Was he going to try to send me to some school in Hollywood, where they make you walk with a book on your head? If some eccentric, billionaire, hypochondriac aviator thinks he can tell me what to do...

You're probably axing yourself: Is she a hairdresser, or does that <on lk. jc.> ? Does extensive corset wearing require the use of a uterine plug, and where can I get one of those?" Uterine plugs, I mean.

We want to thank our sponsor- The best laxative known to man is a pure Crisco diet. Have it hot or cold- In a glass with ice. Slightly warm as a pudding or paste. Delicious anytime!

After Orson Welles masterwork, "Citizen Kane" was cooly received by the public he descended into obese debauchery. After Howard Hughes ran TWA billions of dollars into the ground, he continued doing what he had always done; namely prodding the golfball sized tumor on his forehead with a fountainpen.

It's a good thing we're all graduates of the Oklahoma Horseshoeing School, because we're too big to be jockeys.

As for Mr. E. Leon Rauis, no one but us knows of his mainlining formaldehyde, the iron shackles for maintaining his slender ankles...It's almost sad that you will never hear of this.

We all attended the Government School on the Reservation. That's where we get our seething mistrust of "The Man". And you know, "squaw " was originally our people's word for female genitalia. Let's not even get into "BuckEye"!

Sometimes we're afraid you'll think that we're pansy-ass fags for doing what we're doing, but we bet that each of you has a place in your heart or family contaning a Rollerblader.

Eccentric billionaire and aviator Howard Hughes was much like keeping a monkey for a pet. He did many amusing and amazing things, but you never knew when he was going to masturbate in public, or throw his feces around.

I've never seen such an audience of fierce individualists.

This is far from the first time that we have appeared in public, but it is true that each of us has dated Snoopy.

You may think that we're some kind of pansy-ass fags, up here, doing what we're doing, but at least you would never find us succumbing to the negligible temptation of strapping on a pair of Satan's own shoes, the Rollerblades.

Why do I always smell pee? Maybe because we're graduates of the Howard Hughes Urine Drinking Academy. Not really! We'd never buy into that New Age Urine Drinking malarky.But, like Howard Hughes, we'll always store <sand in an ch mc's>.

A diet of nothing but pure, lightly salted butter is similar to the wearing of a uterine plug in that they both "plug up the body", so to speak, and they are both so great, don't you find?

Around the time that we were all dating Snoopy (unbeknownst to eachother), the Full House Twins, Mary Kate and Ashley Olson came to me with the finished score for this next song. I was super impressed, and we're very pleased to premiere it for you here, tonite.

When Howard Hughes took his bony hand and stroked our faces with his long, filthy fingernails, trying to entice us into becoming wetnurses for his intravenous mother's milk injections, we were like, "No way!" No way in hell would we do that.

This is one of those Eastern Seaboard cities with a refurbished waterfront recreation area that draws hoards of those horrid wearers of the shoes of Satan, I mean Rollerblades. Go there. Knock them on their ass and tell them: 4 wheels! In a rectangle shape- on the sole of the foot!

You know. we all met working at a Crisco factory in Mexico. That's all we ate back then, and it still is. Maybe that's why we're always ill with Rickets.

I am the God of Hellfire.

Does it matter that we steal all our riffs from the great cello bands of the 70's? Does it matter that the corporate machinery behind us exploits us and you to capitalize on the huge cello band trend? If all of our samples and back-up tapes had been recorded in the forest, would anyone be able to hear them?

We knew a guy who would self inject formaldehyde, just to look younger, one more day. It eventually killed him, but good grooming is so important, don't you find?

There are many things that Satan invented that I can really get behind- like spanking. Also, truffles and television. But when Satan invented his special shoe, his special brightly colored shoe with the wheels placed in a line on the soul of the foot- I personally say "No!" to Satan's proudest moment- The Rollerblade.

Humble as it may appear, these tours cost a lot of money. So, we really want to thank our sponsor. The New EX-Lax Milkshake is a delicious addition to any eating disorder. Who needs that mucous lining on their intestines anyway?

What was it that made Howard Hughes the most eligible bachelor in Hollywood? Was it the way he mainlined mother's milk from a wetnurse? That's pretty attractive. Was it the way he confined his urination to the bathroom, yet peed all over the walls and floor? That sounds handsome. No, silly me, it must have been the way he prodded the golf ball sized tumor on his forehead with a fountain pen.

It's great to see such a fiercely individualistic audience, standing up for what you believe in.

Ay, we were raised in the Brooklyn Woods, and tis there we still hone our half-baked craft and wrestle in the leaves for money. It is to the nightclub we go to affirm our half-caste status in a world where we should never have ventured.

Nay, we received not the ponies we requested from Columbia Records. Instead, they offered us shiny bits of silver paper, believing us to be magpies, but we were not to be taken in by this.

Howard Hughes devised the support bra based on the American Indian practice of tying someone spread eagle between two trees.

Thankfully, with the onslaught of the bitter winds, Satan's Minions (or The Rollerbladers) are huddled together somewhere beneath the city, awaiting their own Season to arise. We sing this song to keep them down there.

On our recent holiday in Vegas, we spent time in the field, researching and substantiating the rumor that Sigfried's Roy is dying and because of their 90 year contract at The Mirage, Roy's cousin was brought from Lichtenstein, underwent extensive plastic surgery and has assumed his personage. We interviewed the albino animals at length and believe the whole thing to be true.

Good Morning Adversaries!

There's a movement afoot in Appalachia, and it's been a long time coming. They gather together in pancake make-up and overalls under the watchful eye of the moon. Like we always say, "Indie-Scmindie- Hillbilly Goth is here to stay."

We're on this great new diet, "The Butter Zone". All you need is 2 pounds of butter, a bunson burner and a straw!

Through the miracle of plastic surgery, Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen have been triumphantly united by attaching a 5" band of cartilegenous tissue between their breastbones. You can see them batting eachother about the head all day, every day at Sigfried and Roy's Sevret Garden.

Not long ago, Howard Hughes cruelly entered me in a baby pageant. Needless to say, I took the prize, but the jealousy among my friends over an insane recluse's practical joke which turned into my own victory was hardly worth the crown.

We sat on the sand sunning ourselves in a brief respite from quarreling. A fishwife appeared, dragging a full net. She laid it squirming at our feet, but when we saw that it contained that guy from "Bring On Da Noise, Bring On Da Funk", we had her cast it back.

We want to thank our sponsor- The best laxative known to man is a pure Crisco diet. Have it hot or cold- In a glass with ice. Slightly warm as a pudding or paste. Delicious anytime!

It's a good thing we're all graduates of the Oklahoma Horseshoeing School, because we're too big to be jockeys.

As for Mr. E. Leon Rauis, no one but us knows of his mainlining formaldehyde, the iron shackles for maintaining his slender ankles...It's almost sad that you will never hear of this.

Sometimes we're afraid you'll think that we're pansy-ass fags for doing what we're doing, but we bet that each of you has a place in your heart or family contaning a Rollerblader.

I am the oldest living Big Boy waitress.

Your precious Mark Twain, or, "Samuel Clements" was a mother-hitting, pedophiliac drunkard. Oh no, sorry, I'm thinking of your Dad.

Howard Hughes was more of a man than Daniel Boone EVER was. Anyone who has that Bowel Brick thing, where the feces has to be dug out of you by a doctor...Whoa!

In his golden years, if he had them, Mr. E. Leon Rauis surely lost the luster that only a good Saliva Hair Tonic can bring. We prefer to remember him this way:

This next song is called "I am Relying On Samples to Get Me Through Life", or "How to Succeed at Urine Imbibing without Even Trying."

It's so funny how we are just 3 indentured servant girls, 3 little potato eaters, 3 Irish domestics that got together to earn a little extra pocket money to get upper-arm liposuction.

Although import/export of Medicinal Leeches IS illegal, we throw caution to the wind and continue trading these small bloodsucking guys. We're selling them at the merch. concession in the back. You know, if it feels good, do it!

You are so very lucky here to have your long, long winter. Short is the season when you are forced to witness the embarrassing wobbling and bobbing of Satan's followers, I mean the Rollerbladers.

Everyone knows that we all used to date Snoopy, and that's how we got a leg up in Show Business, but few are aware of our relationship with Howard Hughes, who always thought we had a way with wearing paper towels as mittens.

I used to be a pathetic idiot.

I used to be a little boy.

We all met working at The Bedding Barn, bundling ticking into bundles. We would make forts out of the comforters, and practice our songs in the downy cave. But, The Man caught us, so now we do this.

I'm sure you'll excuse our reliance on samples and back-up tapes. Few people realize the intense fakeness required to maintain this front of realness. I won't even get into the prosthesis, the surgeons, the wigs...

I've never seen such an audience of fierce individualists.

This neat tour has been sponsored by "Kenny Rogers Roasters", so I'd like to thank that company for their support and all the delicious meals they have provided for us! This is the last show, so I'm sure they won't mind if I tell you that Dolly Parton told me that when Kenny Rogers got Liposuction on his love handles, when next he gained weight, it all went to his chest, and he got breasts like a woman.

Howard Hughes wasn't your average guy who watches movies, naked in a chair for months at a time, eating only Hershey bars. No, he was different. Even just something in the way he prodded the golf ball sized tumor on his forehead was unique. But his greatest uniquity was undoubtedly his milk carton urine storage technique and his urine drinking style.

This is far from the first time that we have appeared in public, but it is true that each of us has dated Snoopy.

We're very fortunate to have the Crisco corporation sponsoring this tour. We get all we can eat for free, and there's a big vat of it in the dressing room. Come back after the show, and have a glass- on us!

When the Crisco corporation called saying they wanted to sponsor this tour, I tell you, I had my doubts. But that vegetable lard is really delicious. A warm glass of it anytime really hits the spot.

Was it the syphilis or the numerous head injuries? Just what was it that made Howard Hughes such a..."zany" kind of guy? What inspires a man to watch movies for 3 months straight, alone, naked in a room, eating only Hershey bars and urinating against the walls? I don't know, but I sure as hell know what "feces" means.

On we play, despite our debilitating illnesses. Who is the winner between us? Scurvy certainly competes with shingles, but perhaps her rickets are the worst (or best) of all.

The devil's existence is not what we question, but rather, how you could wear Satan's own shoe-the Rollerblade? Don't be a sucker; look back to the better way of four wheels placed in a rectangle shape on the soul of the foot.

Surely, I am not required to mention "hockey" to get your attentions! Let's speak instead of when the pond has thawed, and one is free to pursue pond sucking, and all the delicious nutrients that a delicious mulch has to offer.

West Coast shows-year unknown

We are just 3 domestics earning extra pocket money for liposuction.

You know the cornputer regeneration photo of Frank Sinatra on his deathbed? I was there!

Here we are in the palatial suburban Nashville log cabin mansion...

Patch Adams-Disease is funny!

Is there a law against Dwarf tossing in this state?

Let's all think back on Medieval Norway for just a minute... Don't you feel like you're there? Brrr!

I'll never forget the last words of Herve Villachez, TV's Fantasy Island's Tattoo:...

Something about Loni Anderson and her adopted son,Quinton.

Let us dazzle you with our dazzling ineptitude.

We are unthreatening idiots, going through the motions of dilletantism.

We commision this music with funding from the NRA. We give untried young composers their first chance. How the hell did you think Full House's MaryKay and Ashley Olsen got the money to decorate the offices of their new production company? By writing cool songs like this!:

Ladies, girls, call us what you will. We prefer the label "Poster Hags from Bad Girls' School"!

Los Angeles was just a very new little town when the Donner Party came over the Santa Monica Mountains-practically naked, shrieking and moaning,arms outstretched, their bare feet literally BLOODY STUMPS, leaving a trail of blood behind them.

Our record is selling better than hotcakes could ever dream of. There is an advanced marketing strategy in place, whereby 5 records are placed in a small number of stores with no restocking, and INVARIABLY those 5 records are sold. This is a pretty advanced strategy. Don't feel bad if you can't understand it. I can't!

If everyone in the public eye would just tell the truth about their age, the Cult of Youth would just go away. It just takes everyone binding together to get this done. Through truth age becomes a non-issue. We're 19. We're 19 and we're not going to lie about it anymore.

Recreation has been demonized for centuries. Just look at Bacci Ball. But you can believe me when I tell you that on the day of Armegeddon, the shuffleboard stick and the hockey puck will rise triumphant over Satan's Shoe- The Rollerblade.

It's a commonly believed fact that when aliens come to you in your bedroom to abduct you for the sexual medical experiments, they whisper into your brain (or a tape recorder if you're prepared) "Don't wake up!" in a voice frighteningly similar to Droopy's. "Going up." "Don't wake up."

As he lay on his deathbed, Mr.Howard Hughes, a veritable wreck (the golfball sized tumor, the hypodermic needles long embedded in his skin, etc.) tapped out a message to his long dead mother in Morse Code (that he invented) with his long, long toenails.

Yes, everyone thinks it's very "interesting" that we even attempt to raise pets for money, considering how frightened we are of even the smallest thing. But the Unicorn Farm is really raking it in. Don't worry about us.

Why the golfball sized tumor, the long embedded hypodermic needles in the skin, the 5 mpo? Most surely from the archaic syphillus treatment where mercury is pumped into the veins. That's poisonus!

Often we find ourselves raking the manure at our Unicorn Farm. (It's just a small business and we're just staring out.) But alot of celebrities come by for a ride or to purchase one of the lovely,mythical beasts. I overhear what they're saying in the stalls with the unicorns, when they think no one can hear them.

This isn't the first time we've played in public, but, as always, it is potentially the last.

We're the kind of shy people who are perceived as snobbish. Like Candice Bergen suffered lifelong with this problem, but she's really just kind of snobbish.

Here's a funny: Skinny Puppy told me just the other day that Al Jurgenson keeps a needle in his arm all day long with an on/off valve.

There's a new actress on the scene and she's hot,hot,hot! And blue. She's Smurfette and she wrote this next song.

Naomi Judd has raised 2 beautiful daughters and all have exciting careers. Why, oh why then do they have so many problems? A 300 pounder 2 million in debt is kind of bad. But for both Ashley and Wynona to appear publicly smooching with Michael Bolton? They wrote this next song in happier times. Let's listen in:

Mr. E. Leon Rauis must have been a fine man, for he was a very handsome man. Little is the chance that he possessed tiny hands (bleh), hair on his back or hair on the back of tiny lttle hands.

It was we put the bitter in bittersweet.

We float above the clouds almost constantly and always against our will. We soar near to God, but are unable to look at him when wearing a cucumber beauty mask. We wish we were dead everyday, but yet are pleased when again, seemingly, today was not the day to die.

Brunettes are back and there are plenty to emulate:Seinfeld's "Elaine"-JuliaLouisDreyfuss, TV's 'The Nanny', Fran Drescher...Oh, I could go on! But these pioneering women show how unthreateningly wacky even a dark-headed woman can be.

I may try to discourage you NewAge Urine Drinkers, but toenails of excruciating length are to be encouraged. It is scientifically proven that a talon-tip pedi-digit brings good luck! It is also true that when they break, you will be fired with no recourse, or, worse yet, you'll be drawn to the VERY WRONG habit of TeenAge NewAge Urine Drinking. Don't do it!

4 small children entered a small town library one fime Sunday, only to discover that, as it was Sunday, a Gay Disco was being held there. They should have known, but they just joined in the dancing.

Our "human calendar" doesn't even begin to show what Dan Ackroyd and Jackie Gleason have known for centuries. If you play a videotape of "The X-Files" backwards, you might begin to see what I mean.

We finally have a stalker and her name is Kathie Lee Gifford. Talking about her publicly is just what she's after, but we're scared. Kathie Lee! Leave us alone! You can't grab on to our coattails!

Well, we didn't get the ponies we asked for, but Columbia Records has agreed to pay for our Botchelism Injections. Thanks guys! I think some of the minor executives are going to perform the operations themselves, as the botchelism is easily harvested in that stream running through the sushi bar at the Sony Club.

It wasn't the first time Full House's Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen had made a mistake in their career, and it wasn't to be the last. They needed the money, and everyone knows how much they like animals, but...

Greater proof of the existance of Satan: Some women wear business suits with pantyhose and Reeboks. Some women wear business suits with pantyhose and RollerBlades! And companies-PLEASE stop sending me these products I mention by name.

Which is more bizarre? Prodding the golfball sized tumor in your forehead with a fountainpen, or surroundning yourself with an inner circle of uneducated, sycophantastic, nepotistic Mormons?

I stood a broom in a cornfield and called it a boyfriend. I threw a paper plate in the air and called it a spaceship.

It was as a Dream: The Ghost of Candice Bergen past showed us what she was:modelslashfamous person's daughter. The Ghost of Candace Bergen present showed us what she is:a media construct falsely touted as a great comedienne. The Ghost of Candace Bergen present showed us what we all could become: An irritatingly omnipresent thin-lipped Person.

We've just come from the collective farm where we pluck hairs from the pony's ass to spin the fibers for our bows and use the dung for our beauty mudpacks.

Why does man kill the thing he loves most, only to set it free to see if it will come back to him in a bloody heap?

Whose idea was this?

When Gene Pressman, the beleaguered and reposessed chairman of Barney's New York looked deep into my eyes at the fashion show, I knew I could go on. They can take away 1 of your 2 Porsches and you can still live and look fetching in public.

Howard Hughes was a fatally hypochondriacal madman. He believed in the benigness of his own body's rancid Bacteria. That was why he scraped the underside of his very long toenail with another of his very long toenails and sucked the jam as a lifegiving mulch.

Wave not, nor talk not amongst yourselves., for we are Rasputina and our grasp is tennuous.

Although we assume that the FullHouse Twins have not been abused by priests, something is really wrong there, and against all laws of patient confidentiality, their therapist passed along this song they wrote as proof:

Sure ,I began an intense affair with our A & R man, but is that any reason for the record company to kill him and store him naked, suspended from metal strings in a hard to reach upper floor of the Sony Building on Madison Avenue?

Yes, we are Rasputina, and no amount of wishing can take that away from us!

The rumor that The Full House Twins abused a priest, and that animals were involved, rages on. But, we still perform their music.

You don't have to understand my intros, or even our music-just keep buying our candles. You know, our scented candles are made by hand from our own fat that we harvest ourselves, using our Home Liposuction Lab.

Our boyfriends are Famous. Everyone has heard of these grey men:4 feet tall, flat, almond shaped eyes, naked, big heads...

Howard Hughes was an isolated billionaire who stored teenage girls in Hollywood hotel rooms, like so many tunafish sandwiches.

It's not who you know, it's what you know, or who your mom or boyfriend knows.

Is it considered necrophilia for us all to love the same dead man, when that love is forced to be unphysical due to the fact that the man exists only in image on a small slice of cardboard? We think not.

How one Beverly Hills plastic surgeon's secret beastiality and fetishization of plastics gave birth to the timeless toy- "My Little Pony", with channels, with wings is an obscene and epic story wich we will not get into right now.

You could speculate endlessly as to the identity of the Beverly Hils plastic surgeon mentioned previously. Be he the husband of Cybil Shepard, Mary Tyler Moore or "The Genius", Raquel Welch, we questioned Cybil as to how it feels to wear thin lips every day while exposing the top half of her bosom flesh in a public square.

They joined hands and formed a circle. Alanis showed Fiona some of the ritual. Christina Applegate loved to call Satan to their barn, under the moon. They were all said that Brandy couldn't come, but the Dark One has his rules.

There is a plague on the Midwest, and they are called "Pasty Pals". They are heavy, pale women wearing pastel jogging suits. Having not been here in a while, I ask, are they crossbreeding with the Satan Shoe wearing Rollerbladers? Say it ain't so. If you see a Pasty Pal blading, give her one in the knee for me!

Watch with wonder as the cello playing robots try to convey emotion.

It's not what you know, it's who you know that's involved with the Beastie Boys.

The Bullshitting Botanist tried to talk to us again. Who wants to hear his lies regarding photosynthesis, his tall tales where cross-pollination is concerned?

Gwyneth Paltrow ith infinitely fathinating, don't you think?

The Original Siamese Twins, Chang & Eng Bunker, relentlessly toured the U.S. throughout the 1830's. We feel much as they did:never knowing where we'll be, how the show will go, constantly fistfighting ourselves seperated by only the 5" piece of stretchy ligament at our navels.

Aerobic results of the Neverending Taffy Pull:

People from all walks of life are constantly telling us of ever more bizarre behavior attributed to Mr. Howard Hughes. We ALWAYS verify by Ouija, so believe us when we say, "Howard Hughes had his Mormon lackeys suspend him upside down, nightly and naked, from a calcified candy bar, believing the inverted pull on his testicles would send spermatazoa to his brain cells, washing away the Brain Plaque which causes Alzheimer's Disease.

In an ever further-reaching effort to be misunderstood, we remain that which is called Rasputina.

I am not, and will never be, a New Age Urine Drinker.

Although needless to say, we are quite rebellious for being shameless panderers. When it is time to stuff cigarettes into the nostrils of the tortured corpses of deposed leaders, count us in!

I know you're out there, foul pansy-ass wearers of the shoes of Satan. Yay Rollerblader, turn the other tightly clad day-glo rump cheek and go back- back from whence you came.

Why do the mighty so fear disease? And what does "feces" mean? And why does the mighty hypochondriac never fear disease from his own feces?

The theory of vagina dentata is absolutely ridiculous. It is eggs benedict that will bite your dick off.

We can barely stand living in a world that so celebrates computers and ignores completely the inventor of the uterine plug. He must have been a great man indeed; kind of inward looking.

My mama always told me that the skating rink was for trash. She could never have known that there would come a day when a greater evil- Satan's shoe;the Rollerblade- would rule supreme over the land.

In the 70's, a naked girl mailed herself (presumably by U.P.S.) to Cheap Trick in a large box. When they opened her, the stench of Limburgher cheese wafted out. She should have remembered what we have always known- Cheese is big shame. It is very big shame.

Howard Hughes surrounded himself with fe- What does "feces" mean? He surrounded himself with feces. In the bed, on the floor, stored inside of his body. He also surrounded himself with uneducated Mormons and I don't know which is worse.

Yes, it's true, we got a uterine plug endorsement. We are pretty proud, and we get them for free, but for you all to see it, you'd have to pay quite a bit of cash money.

When I asked my good friend Kenny Rogers his opinion on liposuction (I was considering it for my own 3 year old daughter-she's a little chubby), he told me it's great, but that he did grow breasts from the procedure. I thought that would be perfect for my little girl.

I'm sure Howard Hughes would have given his...What does "feces" mean? Oh....Right arm for even more needles to have been found embedded, abandoned and forgotten inside of his right arm.

Ready? I think we are; our necks are erect and our heads are hard, engorged with our own blood.

My absolute favorite airplane disaster crash would have to be the time when isolated body parts rained down on the lawns of suburban Southern California homes. You know that one?

Perhaps I'm overloaded on Darwinism, or Nazi Eugenics when I tell you how sick it makes me, it makes me sick to see tiny little hands play the guitar.. But when those sickeningly tiny hands are covered in a salve made from human saliva...eeew.

Today is my birthday and I've never been kissed, but I did receive 7 uterine plugs already.

I've always been apalled and intrigued by the baby pageants, even way before Jon Benet made it trendy. Why, just think of the Limburgher Baby. I wrote this next song when I was trapped in an abandoned well.

I'm the Wallflower Madam. Cerebral prostitution has never been illegal anywhere.

When I see the U.S. fag, I mean flag, fly backwards over Texas, it makes me want to kill someone.

New Age urine drinkers went not unmolested when a colony was founded in upstate New York believing a race of tiny fairies inhabited women's breasts; kings and queens in the left, priests and priestesses in the right. Remember to moisten your hands with saliva before attempting to insert a uterine plug.

Clean innards are guaranteed when you see your waiter and you tell him, "No cheese. please."

"Unclean, unclean!" Howard Hughes shouted as he ripped the feeding tubes from his arms, preferring instead to wallow in his own excrement. What does "feces" mean, anyway?

I am the Mayor of Dallas, Texas.

When a Cabbage Patch baby dies, I think we all feel the pain.

I heard today that you can make anyone fall in love with you by going into their room when they are sleeping, and controlling their dreams. Do you think that's true? It sounds pretty easy, like it could be true.

It is of no great importance that we're all riddled with disease up here.

Howard Hughes was from Texas, and yes, he liked everything real big: big needles feeding big breasted mother's milk into his scrawny arms- big fountain pens prodding big golfball sized tumors in his bulbous forehead. Oh, and what does "feces" mean?

We are the bravest of the weakling armies.

Imagine licking a furry glove when next you stroke the long, dark footfingers of Death, who is always just one birthday wish away.

Although not commonly known, the most tabboo of the beastialities is the woman who sneaks into the small town zoo to make love to a buffalo.

I'm sure that this fair city, like most others, has a locust-like plague on it; a stinky scourge wrought by Satan as he designed his first shoe-the Rollerblade.

We were just passing through your local mountain, when I thought to myself, why have we limited ourselves to this diet of Jello, graham crackers and corn? Let's go back, I said, back to strictly pure, unsalted Crisco. It gave us so much more pleasure and power, which seems to be getting increasingly illegal.

Howard Hughes kept a succession of starlets locked in Holywood bungalows, and allowed them to eat only cheese. Why? Why only cheese? Did it have anything to do with his own bizarre habit of storing his urine in milk cartons, when he managed to get it somewhere besides the ceiling or floor? And what does "feces" mean?

My little boy, Daniel Johns of Silverchair, always asks me, "Mom, what does feces mean?' I always tell him, "Honey, you of all people should know!"

Howard Hughes certainly knew when he rolled his own, I mean rolled IN his own, excrement, that is, on a bed lined with paper towels. Ah, the smell of it!

Although I was born a mulatto Cabbage Patch Kid, I never let that stop me.

We are empowered by our own limitless limitations.

You know, we do these shows despite the fact that we are each dangerously close to death, due to undisclosed "illness". (turn to Julia) Are your rickets any better? No, not really?

It's not difficult to purchase a uterine plug (go to any J.C. Penney-they even have plus sizes). What's difficult is removing it unheard by nearby friends and family. (popping sound)

We was at The Crossroads. Satan showed up with some shoes he had made- the Rollerblade. I just turned the other tightly clad day-glo rump cheek, and walked away.

When the Crisco corporation called saying they wanted to sponsor this tour, I tell you, I had my doubts. But that vegetable lard is really delicious. A warm glass of it anytime really hits the spot.

On we play, despite our debilitating illnesses. Who is the winner between us? Scurvy certainly competes with shingles, but perhaps her rickets are the worst (or best) of all.

The devil's existance is not what we question, but rather, how you could wear Satan's own shoe-the Rollerblade? Don't be a sucker; look back to the better way of four wheels placed in a rectangle shape on the soul of the foot.

I am not, and will never be, a New Age Urine Drinker.

Although needless to say, we are quite rebellious for being shameless panderers. When it is time to stuff cigarettes into the nostrils of the tortured corpses of deposed leaders, count us in!

I know you're out there, foul pansy-ass wearers of the shoes of Satan. Yay Rollerblader, turn the other tightly clad day-glo rump cheek and go back- back from whence you came.

Why do the mighty so fear disease? And what does "feces" mean? And why does the mighty hypochondriac never fear disease from his own feces?

Oh my God, I just coughed up a coughball at the Craftmall! Not really, that was 20 years ago or more.

I don't know how this part of the country came to be known so much for cannibalism, but it sure is a proud tradition, I think.

A Uterine Plug is a beautiful thing for reasons too many to name.

Sorry about the plague on the land that started when Satan designed his first shoe: The Rollerblade. Now, back in the day when 4 wheels were placed on the sole of the foot in a rectangular fashion...

The stench of rotten eggs after Easter, here in this city is incredibly...delicious! Like a tall warm glass of Crisco.

The foul and amazing habits of Howard Hughes certainly gives credence to the theory... What does "feces' mean?

Ok, so now all people seem to think Jesus was an alien, come to educate us, which is fine I suppose, but when you consider the origin of Rollerblades you only come up with one serious answer: Satan made those God damn shoes to make man look foolish. Don't succumb!

Vancouver Oh my God, I just coughed up an American $1! (really do it)

Death is always by our side, running next to the bus, smiling waving, laughing. We just pull the curtains closed and put in a movie.

Yeah, we tell prophesy through mashed potatoes, but our most powerful power is our power to tell by sight if someone is wearing a uterine plug.

America's obsession with fat content affects us not as we perform home liposuction, using hybrid leeches and a rusty bucket.

When we were little girls at our Pappy's farm, one day a strange man with a long beard and fingernails came. He was disoriented and addicted to codiene. He was Howard Hughes. But we didn't know that when we climbed up on his lap and he asked us if we knew what feces meant. What does "feces" mean?

w/Cranes, Seattle

Sports have failed us, as have the cult of the Automobile and the plastic arts. We look instead to the Dairy Council for how to be. Excessive mucous and blocked bowels are a small price to pay for a sense of purpose.

I am a member of the Dysentary!

We see the birds fly overhead, their squealing, squirming prey clutched tightly by beak or claw. But that doesn't mean we stop eating chicken!

We may not have celebrity parents, but we have Uterine Plugs and we know how to use them!

Oh, mountain biking's fine. So is jet skiing and paratrooping. But when it comes to the pathetic sashay of the Satan Shoe wearing Rollerblader, I turn away in disgust and beg you to do the same.

Anyway you look at it, the planet "Uranus" is funny. U-rain-us sounds like "Your Anus" and Ur-in-us sounds like "Urine us". Haha.

You've got to help us! Greenpeace is after us for clubbing ourselves on the head with baby seals, which we do quite a lot.

When J. Edgar Hoover loaned all of his pumps to Howard Hughes, it is a well known fact that Hughes defecated in them upon returnage. What does feces mean?

Crush a Hummingbird in your hand just to feel it.

I am the reluctant leader of The Bowel Movement.

A well placed Uterine Plug is a sure sign of good breeding and we can spot it a mile away.

We are notorious panty wasters.

We think nothing of our ability to tell prophecy through the reading of mashed potatoes. A monkey could do it, and the future is usually pretty bleak anyway.

Are you aware that a tape of porpoise cries played backwards is the sound of Satan's experiment in shoe design (or Rollerblade) scraping the sidewalks of America like the knuckles of so many apes?

The sponsership of our extensive touring continues to be sponsered by the beloved Crisco corporation, who graciously provided us with a tall, warm glass of it, "gratis".

J. Edgar Hoover, Howard Hughes, Hugh Hefner... there was a time, the time of these great men, when feces really meant something. What DOES "feces" mean?

Hi, we're an incomprehensible marketing scheme run lamely amok.

What about that pottery wheel scene in "Ghost"? Wasn't that great? About as great as seeing a fat woman fly down the street in a business suit, pantyhose and Rollerblades.

Ask yourself: is this the last song because the pubescent bathing of Howard Hughes by his mother in this very state caused him to require the ridges of a tin-can to be scrubbed with a wire brush while wearing paper towels as mittens?

The only thing more empowering than closure is posessing the lameness to utter the very words "empowerment" and "closure".

It was not too long ago that we all modeled for the Sony Playstation game, Uterine Plug Placement Pong". For something like that, you get a lot of money, but the humiliation of your own uterus publicly animated is pretty humiliating.

You know, we were all teenage mothers in our native Australia, but we're living proof that you can do anything you set your mind to. And just look at our 3 little boys: the members of Silverchair

When Howard Hughes tried to build a cargo plane out of wood, all the people laughed, but he kept atrying. It never really worked. When he wanted to build a 200 story pyramid in the Mexican jungle, all the people laughed. What did he do? He kept atrying. Actually, he didn't even really try that one.

Tell no one what you are about too see. It should never have been attampted by humans in the first place.

When speaking on Cottage Cheese, it is no mere coincidence that "Curd" rhymes with "Turd". David Bowie is a real good friend of my dad's, so I know he did all that cocaine in the 70's to be skinny.

We all grew up working the suger plantations in Cuba, hacking away at the cane. It, like this, taught us that getting your hands all blistered and bloody is not necessarily going to make you a lot of money.

I am the Mayor of Dallas. Texas.

When we say "The Man", we mean a certain gentleman. He's dead now, but we love him just the same. Don't get me wrong, we love him in a conjugal, biblical kind of way.

I just want to say that Aromatherapy is a crock of crap. The way to true physical enlightenment is and always has been the Pure Butter Enema

God gave us intestines. God gave us stapleguns. We can put 2 & 2 together.

Regis Philbin touches Agnieszka and makes her feel dirty.

Adolf Hitler was a RockStar. That is not bad to say, it doesn't mean I like him. Axl Rose is a RockStar too.

Rasputina w/Manson April-March '97

How can you be so mean? Because Wal-Mart is your Dream and it's all you have, you fuckers.

Why are you killing us with your kindness? We're sorry you have to wait forever for His Highness.

There was a time when "feces" really meant something. What does "feces" mean?

Only a sucker would wait an hour for something that never happened. You'll wait 20 years or more, suckers.

When elderly people attempt suicide, they usually succeed.

Didn't we meet you guys at the Renaissaince Faire?

Where's Manson? Why he's shopping at the Hallmark Christmas store!

A willow tree will use it's roots to crush a septic tank up to 10 miles away.

I've never seen such an inbred audience! Your ears are oversized and your teeth stick out!

If you've come here for "Satanic" reasons, think twice before carving your birthday backwards in a potato.

You might have to wait 20 years to even remember what happened here tonite, and then only through therapy. Like people do with alien abduction, incest and yes family satanism.

I know what you did. I saw you. All of you.

Get your stomachs churning, get your evil thoughts assembled...

I saw all of you on your knees by the banks of the (local) river, sucking the delicious microscopic nutrients there.

I was outraged to see a surgical center here for cats.

I know you all are real interested in Urine Drinking and everything, but it's actually very New Age, so you should avoid it.

If you came here to see some Live Satanic Medical Crossbreeding, you are definitely going to see that.

Hey, didn't I see all you guys in line at the gas chambers at Auschwitz in say, oh, 1940 or so?

Get out your hairshirts, carve your birthday backward in a potato, don't fall for New Age Urine Drinking...Goodbye!

This is the story of when the Cabbage Patch Baby killed Snoopy, about 20 years ago. You were a baby then- Perhaps it WAS you.

If you came here to see Satanic Left-handed Diaper Wiping, or the Making of Human Blood Sausages, you came to the right place.

Isn't it frightening that the Dairy Council is ordering all Americans to daily receive a warm Crisco enema? But that's just the kind of Nazi-like power they've acheived.

You WILL see: Naked Satanic Dancing Collostomy Bags. You WON'T see: Self Righteous Urine Drinkers, because that's so New Age.

Maybe you guys can tell me; can I sue the Dairy Council over this thick mucousy chronic phlegm I have from eating cheese? And how can I expel some of this phlegm from my body? And what does "feces" mean?

I know I wish I was fingerpainting at the Putt-Putt golf party across the road right now, and I bet you do too, you little inbreds. But we're all stuck here, at the Festival of Evil.

Hey you, with your crossed eyes and big ears! Obviously, inbreeding hasn't been outlawed here.

If you came here to see: Forbidden Monkey Cutting, or Unsanitary Satanic Napkin Folding, this is your lucky night.

This is the portion of the show when we stop to ponder how a Crisco Enema would be really something.

Hi. Didn't I see all you guys before; at that other public execution? You know, who was that guy that they burned alive here in the town square? Oh yeah, it was Snoopy.

If you came here to see: Filthy Pus Worshipping, or Bloody Satanic Diaper Rinsing, you will see all that and more.

Oh, I could use a good Crisco enema right about now, couldn't you?

When we were just little girls, our daddy told us, "Rasputina, don't evuh let anutha touch you theya!" What does "feces" mean?

If you came here to see: Exotic Dancing Collostomy Bags, or Delicious Satanic Cyst Lancing... If you came here to see: Dog-faced Bowlers or Pathetic Satanic Splinter Worshippers If you came here to see: Sexy Amputated Leg Waxing, or Legendary Hard-core Goat Fisting...

I know, it is very exciting; Manson will be out in just a few thousand hours. You are axing yourself: What will he be wearing? Will he get blood on me?

Hi! Wow, you're all so goodlooking. Show us your tits! You might want to wait 20 years though. Puberty really changes a person.

Free your bowels and your mind will follow.

Aged fecal matter hardens in every American's bowels- inches thick and hard as tire rubber. You are no different.

We are the actual members of the Dairy Council; we've been on it 20 years or more. We are the ones nailed Snoopy to the cross. Most people don't realize the true evil nature in what we're doing.

Looking at you all reminds me of when an Alzheimer's victim pees in the closet, or plays with an imaginary puppy on the bed, or makes inappropriate fondling gestures to their nurse.

If you came here to see: Degenerate Satanic Beastiality Affectionados, or The Genius of Immature Scatological Whippersnappers...

The following song is about the murder of a brilliant theory by a gang of facts.

I would like to offer everyone a free cheese high colonic after the show. Are you into that? Oh, and what does "feces" mean?

Hey, didn't we all meet at that rich person's party, where you held my hair back while I vomited into the toilet? I've been looking for you to thank you!

Who cares to see how fudge is made? We all make our own in our own way. And what does "feces" mean, anyway?

If you came here to see: Human Love Destroyed by Indiscriminate Disemboweled Infant Tossing, or Foul and Filthy Distasteful Live Cream Slinging...

We celebrate The Eating Disorders: Bulimia-Hooray! Anorexia-Huzzah! Enema Addiction-All Right! When God invented the Cream Cheese enema, he never dreamed it would be so loved by so many...Am I right, or what?

May God bless our show. This will only take a minute, and when our mom picks us up after the show, we're going to spit in her face, because you taught us that that is how to say I love you.

If you thought you came here to see Illegal Satanic Organ Tossing, you are definitely going to see Exploding Live Bloody Baby Cats.

I will personally give a Warm Crisco Enema after the show, in the dressing room, to whosoever is able to tell me what I've always wanted to know: What does "feces" mean?

Something wicked this way comes.

Y'all look so beautiful with your badly applied makeup.

I know you're axing your sorry selves, "Who are they? Why do they get to do this?" Well, because Manson and I worked at the McDonald's drive-thru together in high school. Actually, I got him that job, but you already know it's nepotism that makes this country burn like a bladder infection.

The major tool of medieval excorcists was a 10 gallon brass syringe full of holy water which was pumped into the anus of the possessed. What does "feces" mean?

Our mom didn't want us to come here either, but you know, we don't care, we never asked to be born. Did you?

Did you ever ask for a warm cream cheese enema, and instead all you got was your wildest dreams come true?

Pump up your saliva glands, everybody! Goodnight.

Can you tell that I'm FULL of hate? My golden uterine plug is the only thing keeping it in!

We, like you, must do this against our will. Like Robots for Jesus, or Elves for Keebler.

If you cames here to see: Lewd Satanic Candle Sucking, or Nubile Prebubescent Head Injury Victims...

You go ahead and rely on the Dairy Council to teach you right from wrong. The Corn Council is the loser looking for a break.

This is the story of when Jesus had to stay after school for wearing long hair, tunics and sandals to class. But, he's dead now and of little help.

If you came to see: Filthy Live Satanic Pus Injections, or Baby Cats Bludgeoned with the lifeless bBodies of PETA members, I really hope you will.

The 3 E's: Eliminate, Evacuate, Exfoliate

Any monkey could swab an orifice, it takes a Superman to come up with the idea of shooting up mother's milk from a wetnurse in a nearby room. That reminds me, what does "feces" mean?

Each of your dollars spent here this evening saves the life of a child; a child to be saved for later, for Manson to eat.

We use all these samples for you, the audience, to make a more exciting sound and because you'll never notice.

If you're into mulch, the compost heap, or even the wafting odor of vegetables in decay, you'll really get into this next song.

If you came here to see corn and corn products being used as body probes by Satanic Aliens, this is your lucky night.

Don't you think that the Dairy Council is the real Satanic force in our midst?

Daddy, do clowns die?

We come from Thunderwing with a message: Snoopy is dead.

If you like polyps, cysts and nodules- that kind of thing; if you're into tumors, boils and growths, and you think Rollerblades are really lame-ass, you'll really dig this next song.

Interestingly enough, this next song was written by the Ouija Board, by Milton Bradley.

There's a thing that happens when feces - What does "feces" mean?- is so hard and blocked that it makes a "Bowel Brick". Howard Hughes had it, the little girl from Poltergeist died from it, and my Grandma's boyfriend had it, and his son was a doctor, so he had the shit dug out of him, by hand, by his own son! Thank you and goodnight!

Mercifully, this day drawing to a close, brings us one day closer to death. If we get through this next half an hour... Oh, let's just jam!

The beauty of the uterine plug is the way it plugs the uterus when it's trying to escape. Gotta love that!

One day, Satan made a shoe, and saw that it was pansy-ass, I mean, good.

My little boy, Daniel Johns of Silverchair, always asks me, "Mom, what does feces mean?' I always tell him, "Honey, you of all people should know!"

Howard Hughes certainly knew when he rolled his own, I mean rolled IN his own, excrement, that is, on a bed lined with paper towels. Ah, the smell of it!

Although I was born a mulatto Cabbage Patch Kid, I never let that stop me.

Howard Hughes founded this country based on a system of values and beliefs that we still follow today. Namely, prodding golf ball sized tumors in foreheads with fountain pens, rolling in feces, using your own saliva as a hair tonic and storing urine in milk cartons. Alright!

Kids today are all coked up at recess

Why does the false prophet always rise triumphant? Take those foul shoes of Satan, I mean Rollerblades: Don't buy into the fallacy of a tight day-glo butt, when you could have four wheels, placed in a rectangle shape, on the sole of the foot.

We've been sharecroppers for many generations.

We've been cloning amongst ourselves for years. It's nothing, really.

We often find ourselves asking, "What does feces mean?" Howard Hughes certainly knew when he rolled around in his own excrement on a bed lined with paper towels. Thank you and Goodnight.

Scientists are finding out more and more about how our universe was born. It turns out that it was actually adopted, and a volcano is that abandoned, inner child lashing out. It makes us want to just give the universe a big hug.

I'll always be endebted to the Hallmark corporation for teaching me everything I know about Fascism.

Cheese is big shame. I know it is big shame.

It's when the parents are cannibals that the kids turn out like this.

Rasputina w/Bob Mould '96

Whenever Howard Hughes had a female passenger in his car, he would instruct his drivers not to rise above 5 miles per hour, as he believed greater speeds would somehow cause damage to the woman's breast tissue.

It's hard to know what to do when you're in a receiving line and a Thalidomide baby wants to shake your hand. All you really have to do is ax yourself, "What would Cybil Sheperd do?" , then do just the opposite.

Yes, our record is selling over 60 copies a week! 7% of $15 x's 60 x's 4 - $200,000 + $250 a night x's 5...

The great actress St. Jane Seymour, medicine woman, is our patroness and benefactor. She stands for all things romantic and mediocre, and we're really into that kind of thing.

There are 3 kinds of guys we like: God the Father-self-explanatory, Jesus, the son (he's the best kisser), and the Holy Ghost, because ghosts are like, goth.

We were just babies the day we were born, but since that time, we've dedicated ourselves to self-denial, self-flaggelation and the flatulence of others.

I forget what we're called for we are delirious with fever dementia.

Rasputina is a never ending experiment in character building embarrasment. We prefer cello playing to acting. The jobs won't grow fewer as we get older, because there aren't any jobs anyway.

It is often that we find ourselves aimlessly wandering the Scottish moors. If we lose eachother in the mist, it is only necessary for the other girls to squint slightly to find me by my glow-in-the-dark collostomy bag.

Diarama making was a fine enough pasttime for the kids of yesteryear. Is the garishly adorned Satan Shoe, or "Rollerblade" really an improvement in recreation over it or the much beloved and forgotten "filmstrip"?

Our history with household pets is poor, yes, at best, but we promise to take care of the ponies we've requested, if someone will just buy them for us. Sure, the ferrett was plucked bald and rubbed in it's own droppings, then dropped from a high height to land in a vegetable state, all at the hands of a toddler. And sure, the mascot Rottwieler waged a campaign of fear for five years before it was taken away foaming at the mouth in shackles, but we really want ponies.

We like guys with peg-legs, and filthy personal habits are a sure sign of genius to us, but don't even begin to call yourself attractive if you play the guitar with tiny little hands. It's not shoesize, it's handspan.

Mr.E.Leon Rauis was a very handsome man. We're in love with him, even though he's probably dead, and all we have is a scratchy picture, but as he's so goodlooking, we know he was good in every way, and probably very smart, because goodlooking peolpe are always very good in every way. We know this from T.V.

Mr. Howard Hughes was considered the most eligible bachelor of his day. Was it...the intravenous mother's milk delivered fresh from a wetnurse? Maybe it was the way he prodded at the golfball sized tumor on his forehead with a fountain pen. Oh, I bet it was the way he would roll about in feces on the bed with papertowels covering the pillowcases.

We dare you not to cry.

What is the sound of one Thalidomide baby clapping?

"Uptight and outta sight" nicely captures the concept behind strict uterine plug usage, when corsetted. For us, "letting it all hang out" is a messy proposition indeed.

The chorus of this next song is the Nordic-Trak of Twee. Why, by cutting out dairy and endlessly rehearsing this song, we've lost over 60 lbs. combined, I mean altogether, each.

Ragamuffin is our middle name, as nothing is all we've ever had. Things are, however, looking brighter, as we have less nothing than we never had before.

I would like to take this opportunity to introduce the band: I'm Tuberculosis, she'd Cholera, on the right we have Scurvy and he's the Shingles.

Next to a stump in the mossy hollow, there appeared Smurfetka, showing us the way to a magical mystical jouney into the inner world of the forest primevel.

The cells make a sucking sound, turning our pockets inside out to show kickback, payola, glad-handing and backstabbing.

Glad we were, I mean sad to learn we were tubercular, considering we all had cholera at the time.

We want to make it with a famous guy like... Michael Bolton, NO, the Snuggles bear from the fabric softener.

Often we find ourselves on a barren hillock, lying on our backs, looking up at the stars. One invariabl asks another, "Why does there exist the thin-lipped crone, Candace Bergen?" There is no answer to this,

I wrote this next song during our peerformance rsidency at Boston's "Cranberry World". As patron saint of the bladder infections, I can tell you, it's a great place you all should visit.

Please tell no one what you are about to see.

A lot of people ask us for beauty tips. For them, I have only one word: sheep placenta, sheep placenta, sheep placenta.

Don't distract us with your blubbering.

Is there any excuse for obsessive urine storage, making mittens out of Kleenex, or prodding at the golfball sized tumor on your forehead with a fountain pen? I don't think so.

The Full House Twins, MaryKate and Ashley Olsen were suing us for libel and defamation. We countersued, because they're not as cute as they claim to be. In an out-of-court settlement, we were all forced to come together and collaboratively compose this next song.

We're still waiting for our ponies. We've been passing the collection plate around upper management. We like to sit on things while our feet touch the ground. May we have the ponies, please.

Mr.E.Leon Rauis was a very handsome man, although we can't tell from the photograph if he even had hands or legs.

Julie Andrews comes into me and tells me to do bad things. She tells me to "sing" and spin, spin closer to the edge of the Alpine mountaintop.

Not only do we like the modern world's "French Fries" and gossip magazines, but we like to have modern boyfriends, as well. Boyfriends like Sparky the Gluesniffer, Carleton your Doorman, and Thalidomide Ted. But there is a band rule:no boyfriends from outer-space.

We don't need no stinking boyfriends. We're quite capable of sniveling and whining with sour faces all the day long with no help from anyone, thank you. One doesn't need love and support for that kind of lifestyle.

When Alicia Siverstone met Gwyneth Paltrow in a darkened alley on Manhattan's Upper West Side, fisticuffs were bound to ensue. We. Rasputina, are licensed mediators, and from our hiding place behind the trash can, we talked these two fine actresses through their differences, and this next song is based on what they said that fateful night.

Sales of our record are going great guns, but it's nothing compared to our mail-order potpourri sideline. We make them ourselves in our spare time out of the shattered shards of the broken hearts left in the wake of the unattainable, yet strangely crush inspiring, Bob Mould.

Please forgive us, we are under duress.

I recently convinced Robin Williams to shave his back. By arranging the fallen hairs in a manner after the I Ching, I was able to divine this next song...

Our passionate love affair with Mr.E.Leon Rauis is without a doubt, the greatest story ever told. A passing fancy for a piece of cardboard satisfies us like no other. The old photo is soggy with our slobber, but we, like many girls, feel that a debilitating time-waster is the greatest love of all.

When General Motors successfully carried out their campaign against our nation's public transportation sytems, who realized the tragedy that was to follow; the travesty that is called "Rollerblades".

Oh sure, Howard Hughes was bathed by his mother late into puberty, and yes, they found hypodermic needles lodged inside of his arms that had been there for years, but is that any reason for The Reverend Tillbrook to have founded a colony in upstate New York, in the late 1800's, based on his belief that a race of tiny fairies inhabited women's breats: kings and queens in the left, priests and priestesses in the right?

I once knew a very famous young man who had all the insulation that money can bring. When I saw a tabletop littered with the results of his late-night mania for peeling the chocolate from peanut M & M's, it was all too obvious what kind of tragedy would follow.

We are thanking you in advance for being such a silent and intense audience.

When I think of Laurie Anderson and Lou Reed having sex, I literally get sick. I much prefer to imagine the sexual antics of Loni Anderson and Lou Grant, who, by the way, wrote this next song...

Our new perfume, "Withering Scorn" is cheap to make, for , as you can see, we posess that pheremone in vast quantity.

Rollerblades are a conspiracy spearheaded by the plasctics lobbyists, who are worse than New-Age Urine Drinkers.

When we wanted to write a song about the innermost feelings of a Hag, we, of course, first turned to Candace Bergen, but she was unavailable. She did, however, refer us to Cybil Sheperd, who graciously gave us a first hand account of the hag in tht really gritty journalistic way she has.

The music industies' behind-the-scenes political racketeering is much like the secret world of elemantary school teachers. Why did Mr.Kimball get the position of girls' baketball coach, when Mr.Smiley was obviously better qualified?

There are three kinds of guys that we like: guys with long toenails, dashing young "yes" men, and a big gay policeman on a bike. On a Famously Ignored Gentleman...

Shirley from Garbage and Gwen from No Doubt stood on our doorstep in the pouring rain. At first I thought it was the Full House Twins, MaryKate and Ashley Olsen, so I refused to answer. Instead, enjoying watching them shiver, with the layers of makeup streaming down their pretty faces. Although they were ignoring eachother on that fateful soggy portico, I feel sure that they were communicating by ESP, and it went a little something like this...

A stump is the hallowed meeting ground for crones of all stature. There the old hags pass tradition to the young ones. You know, like Candace Bergen is there teaching the ways to Gwyneth Paltrow.

Yes, Satan invented the violin, but he didn't stop there. Three hundred years later he put 4 wheels in a straight line on the sole of the foot. Rollerblades-why? When God had put 4 wheels in a rectangular shape on the soul of the foot.

When the prettiest model of our time, Cindy Crawford, was asked by the greatest actress of our time, Cindy Crawford, who her favorite singer was, of all time, she responded, "Cindy Crawford", as would any 10 year old girl who doesn't understand exfoliation.

We're still reeling from the Calvin/Kelly Klein breakup. It's rumored that his blood had been completely transfused, like Keith Richards. How could she give that up?

Calvin Klein, with his completely transfused blood, stands atop the needle of the Empire State building, naked save his own underwear, shivering and crying like a little baby. Nothing, not even Rollerblades can help him now.

It starts out with torturing small animals when the subject is a little boy, then always comes the intense interest in pornography and violent sexual fantasy, which invariably grows to a violent sexual reality in which the subject challenges himself to ever greater deviancy: viewing the victim as an object to posess and taunting law enforcement officials until, like an addict, the crimes grow in frequency just to satisfy this sick individual. It's really great how the F.B.I. is now equipped to profile and track down these men, because these are our requirements for a boyfriend.